worst kind of heartbreak;

Nothing says heartbreak like playing your last college game in America. Today was the end of it all, I knew going into the game that it could be my last game, but I never figured it would legitimately be my last. I pictured placing the ball in the back of the net a thousand times, got a good nights rest, stayed hydrated, iced, did everything in my own power I could to be prepared for today’s game. We all know that one person can’t win the game. It takes a team to win, and that’s something that this years group lacked. We weren’t ever a team, we faked it, and there was always drama between two or more people. It was just not our year, too bad for us sophomores because it was pretty apparent out there that we wanted it.

We had a brilliant first half, never gave up, and had great shots against our opponent. Sadly out of the 14 on net we came up with zero goals. The opponents well they had a total of 4 shots and 1 goal. Second half I felt like we put up a fight, we didn’t fight to win we fought to stay alive. I don’t think all of us can say we played our hearts out, I know we all didn’t leave everything we had in us on the field. That is what really gets to me. When I look at the clock, I am telling myself, 45 minutes left and you get that break, 30 minutes left, 10 left leave it all on the field, I even say it to my teammates…yet it didn’t get through. I don’t know if they just aren’t mentally strong or if they just don’t give a shit. Either way, I can’t change the outcome. I’m not happy with the end result, but I am certainly not disappointed with my own performance. Yes I could have better finished my shots, but I got shots away and I gave amazing passes to my teammates. I gave it my all, and although it wasn’t enough, I can’t be upset with myself. It was a great experience playing here in the states; it allowed me to do a lot of growing up. This won’t be the last game I play but it is the last game I will be playing here in the states. It’s a saddening way to go out, but it is what it is and I can only grow from it.

Now for the nine-hour bus ride home with a team that hates themselves and hates each other…oh joy.

My Parents are Pretty Smart;

I know I got lucky in the world of supportive family members when it comes to Narcolepsy. I have met many narcoleptics over the years of all ages, and honestly one of the main issues and contributors to their uncontrolled narcolepsy was the lack of support they got from there loved ones. It’s a huge stress when you feel misunderstood, when you constantly have to explain yourself or simply when someone says it’s all in your head. Trust me, I’ve been told plenty of times by peers, teachers, coaches and even teammates that it is all in my head or come on you can’t be that tired… or my favorite You’re lucky you can sleep whenever. It use to drive me nuts, it use to hurt my feelings, but sometimes you have to let those things go and just deal with the ones who understand or try to understand.

Lately I’ve had a tough go of it, I couldn’t even find the time to think any of my issues through, I felt like I was 14 again…Waking up and wondering when I fell asleep, wondering how long I’ve been out, and oh @!%# what time is it; am I suppose to be somewhere?! It’s an awful feeling but it’s a feeling all narcoleptics are faced with.

I finally had a bit of a break down last night, a bit of a realization thanks to my parents. I am finished my Photography certificate, the main reason I came to school in the first place. I only came back this year to play soccer and it was my choice to take on this Business Management Certificate. It was my decision, my parents had no influence on it, and I wasn’t trying to prove anything to anyone but myself. I hate failure; I hate struggling and worse I hate asking for help. With classes this year I am uninterested, unmotivated and struggling to find the time to do all the homework requirements. My schedule is busy, my narcolepsy gets worse with stress and with the never ending homework I am having trouble staying awake long enough to enjoy any of this school year. Did I mention I came back this year for fun, for the enjoyment of one more soccer season? Yes, apparently somewhere in the past 2 months I forgot to remind myself why I am here. Thankfully during a phone call with my two wonderful parents last night they reminded me to slow down, my health comes first. I’m not going to be disappointing anyone if I don’t pass a class, I’m not going to be a failure if I don’t get this certificate that I don’t need. I need to start remembering to eat, remembering to sleep, and reminding myself that I have 2 months left and this experience is over…I need to enjoy it and be able to look back on the good times, not the time I slept through it all!

Now I am saying screw grades, screw trying to get all A’s and B’s when I can have all C’s and D’s. My future is not at risk by taking these grades; I already accomplished good grades in my passion of Photography.

Now I must get back to homework so that I can go out to a movie tonight after practice…I need to have a social life again.

Cheers!

P.s

I am glad I have the parents I do, I never feel like I can't talk to them, I am constantly supported in all that I do, and most of all I am surrounded by their love. I couldn't ask for anything more from them, so thank you Mom & Dad.

My Bad;

We ended up loosing a game that we shouldn’t have lost, apparently loosing that game called for a 6am practice the next morning along with our usual 2pm practice. I understand our coach’s point but damn narcolepsy was not ready for this. My sleep schedule has been a little screwed as of late, simply just get 6-7 hours each night, going to 9am class and then sleeping 1-2 hours from 10-12 before heading to the training room. Not my ideal sleep schedule but I’ve been surviving. Throwing a 5am wake up call at me so that I could be at the school for 530 was not pretty.

I told myself I would go to bed early, I told myself I would shoot for 8 hours of sleep, 9pm bed time? Next thing you know its 10 and I’m not tired. I took some sleeping meds, tried to sleep but it was almost like narcolepsy had disappeared. I finally dosed off around 11:30 only to find myself awake at 1230, 2, 345, and 430. No such thing as sleeping the whole night through for this narcoleptic!

Now with it being 5am or 6am I can’t exactly take my meds or I’ll be passing out in class or passing out in the afternoon. I can’t exactly screw with the times I take it each day, especially that early in the morning. Well practice was a challenge but I did it. Next thing you know its 730 and I had class at 9am. Caitlin and I decided we would go to this really yummy bagel café, Brueggers. We had a delicious breakfast and then headed to school. I got there at 830; I was by myself, which probably was my first mistake. I had taken my Concerta, but apparently I was so far past tired that it wasn’t even going to make a difference. I took a seat down in the atrium, all I had to do was make it through 30 minutes then I would be in class able to listen to the instructor, doodle, etc. for 50 minutes. I was texting people to keep me awake, next thing you know I’m waking up and checking my phone. 920. Whoops, not what I had planned. How many people saw me asleep, how long have I been asleep!? I’ve missed 20 minutes of class and I am far too embarrassed to even think about walking into class late. I walked home, and went straight to bed. Fell asleep and slept for 3 hours straight. Felt so good to sleep but missing class kind of was a buzz kill. Oh well, can’t have everything.

Don't Understand What I Understood;

Financial Accounting is the hardest class I have ever taken simply because I find nothing fun about it. I honestly feel like it is the last career I ever want to engage in, and it mind boggles me that my brother is an accounting major. This class which is Monday to Thursday 9-10am is just a huge mind explosion in the morning. Miss a single class and you will sit there having an anxiety attack for the rest of the classes during that week. Not to mention the minimum of an hour of homework each night that he assigns, an hour is for those who completely understand it...I usually take a wee bit longer!
Basically what I am trying to say is that this class is not for me, and I honestly feel lost in it as if I literally don't comprehend a single thing in the class. The messed up part of it all is that my grades are awesome in the class. I have yet to fail a pop quiz, assignment or an exam...knock on wood. 87% in the class currently which works out to be a B+. It frustrates me to no end though that I don't understand how I am getting these grades, I walk away from each test thinking "I hope those guesses will get at least some half points". Anyways, that's the life of school I suppose, can't understand everything, but I'll take the pass in the class.
In other news soccer is going well this season, I really hope it continues this way through Regionals which is in two weeks. Provided we win Regionals we will find ourselves packing our bags to head to Nationals which is once again in Dryden, New York. Fingers crossed we make it happen! My body is falling apart, but taping my ankles before every game and practice has allowed me to continue to participate and play my 90 minutes. I can rest mid November when it all is over!
I am off to hang out with a few teammates for the evening. Tomorrow we have our home game in the evening at 7pm. During the day I plan on attending the Mens Football game which is also home! Should be a windy day so I'll be dressing warm!!!
Happy Napping!  =)

Nailed it;

Trying to describe what it feels like to have narcolepsy is next to impossible, you have so many things you want to try to explain but its sometimes too frustrating to try and give a good description.
I just finished reading Julie Flygare's recent blog and honestly it is the best blog post I've read in a long time.
Seriously take a look and read through it, it nails narcolepsy and what most of us narcoleptics have gone through. Whether we were surviving before we were diagnosed or we are at the point when we have it "together" enough to function as a normal human being we still have our daily struggles with daytime sleepiness.

Best most relatable article I'll be reading in a long time!

Sleep's Choice: Living with Narcolepsy's Excessive Daytime Sleepiness

Happy Reading! =)

one crazy month down, 4 to go;

If anyone other than my parents still reads this I owe you an apology. I am sorry, I haven’t forgotten about this blog I just haven’t had moments to myself in the past 30 days. I haven’t blogged on a bi-weekly or monthly basis in a long time. I vow to make a better effort starting now.

For starters, this month has been crazy busy. It started out with preseason; practising twice a day for 16 days. First day we did a fitness test, I finished top two much to my surprise. Second day I was in the top 3 for sprints and at the second practise on the second day… Just my luck I ended up getting injured. I basically took a tackle from behind when I had the ball, toppled over on my ankle and took a pretty good step on the side of my ankle. Yes it hurt, but I was more heartbroken about the amount of practise I’d be missing, the amount of fitness I’d be missing. It was tough, but with crutches and a walking cast I made my recovery in 10 days. No the swelling wasn’t completely out, nor was the bruising, but I wasn’t going to let that stop me from playing in our scrimmage games. The tape job is practically a cast, but it allows me to play with no pain! Haha. This just might be my last college season, this just might be the end of my competitive role in the world of soccer, and therefore I definitely am going to make the most of it. I won’t be sitting out, no way no how.

Our scrimmage games went well, we lost the first one 2-0, but honestly for our team having been new and all the injuries we were going through I was thoroughly impressed. The second scrimmage we worked hard, hard enough to win against our opponent with 2-1. The game really could have gone either way, but we were working really well together as a team.

Our first game of the season, our first game of our conference was in Bismarck, North Dakota. Approximately a 9-hour drive, I chose not to take my meds for the bus ride, skip the day. We left at 6am, and since I barely slept the night before, I knocked right out for a solid 8 of the 9 hours! It was really nice to practically wake up and just be there. We had the day to get a light practise in and then bed before our game the next afternoon. We played at noon, it was extremely hot out, for the Americans it was about 95 degrees, and for the rest of the world, it was 35 degrees! When you play on artificial grass aka turf, the field is about 5-10 degrees hotter. It’s awful on the feet, and due to the heat I ended up with more than enough blisters for the entire soccer team. It was rather disgusting and rather a pain to heal! As for the outcome of the game, we came out with a win 2-0. It was a well-fought game, we really should have scored some more, but a win is a win!

School on the other hand is becoming a struggle. Its been a few years since I’ve actually “hit the books”. I was an art major, no art isn’t an easy major and I spent countless hours on homework…but art homework is fun and it was all part of the career I wanted and still want to enter. Now that I received my diploma I have decided to get my Business Management Certificate. Classes are not only difficult, but the homework is boring and uninteresting. Financial Accounting will be the death of me this semester. It’s so incredibly confusing, you mess up one part of the statements and you mess up the entire statement! It’s already caused me a few sleepless nights and I am only just barely 2 weeks into school. I will however pass it; I will get this certificate!

In other news, well I have no other news since my life revolves around eating, sleeping, soccer and school. Haha, no complaints though…I did willingly sign up for this shenanigans.

I’ll be back with an update hopefully in the next 2 weeks, even if it is a brief one!

xx

bittersweet;

Skipping a nap because you don’t want to miss out on something, not making a decision about plans for your Friday until you get the best offer, whatever it may be I am pretty sure I’ve been guilty. I’ve learned to stop having expectations, I’ve learned the less I know about a situation the better time I usually have. Things like asking whose all going to be there before I decide if I am going to go the social gathering or the party. Spur of the moment decisions are the best and I truly believe that, maybe that’s why I am good at procrastinating. That probably is the reason backpacking attracts me, not knowing exactly what I’m doing each day, it intrigues me I suppose. Too much of unknown things bored me…

Where am I going with this blog, I have no idea. I’ve had some difficulty staying sane these past few days. I have hated this city, I have loved this city, and I have resented being in this city, but yet I am not ready to leave. This city is nothing like home, not a place I dream of calling home, but it’s a city that I’ve had a lot of experiences in. Moving away, not knowing a single soul, living on my own, attending college. I wouldn’t say I am all grown up, but compared to 10 months ago, I feel like I have grown up.

I can’t find the time to pack, I have the time, I just can’t find the energy to pack up. It’s almost like I don’t want to leave, I am not ready to leave, and that’s why I can’t pack up my things. 10 months ago I wasn’t ready to leave, I was terrified of leaving home. I was terrified of loosing friends, missing out on things, not having experiences shared with my best friends. Now I’m terrified of leaving here and loosing friends. I only have a few months of being good friends with some of these people, how can I be sure in 80 or 90 days when I come back here that we can start where we left off? I can’t be sure, and for that I am bothered by it. My good friends back home, some of the best I know are people that I have shared many experiences with, we all keep in touch through blogging (personal blogs) and we all catch up within moments of seeing each other. I use to worry about getting off track, but I know now that we’re all capable of keeping in touch because I’ve lived through it. Having friends all over the map, well this is a new one. Although there are people here I don’t much care for, there are about 5 I do. Out of those 5, how many will I ever see again? It just is something that’s been on my mind, something that is making it difficult for me to pack my things.

Not everyone you meet, become friends with, or become best friends with are meant to stay in your life. No matter how much you want them too, every relationship you have is a two way street. It’s something I need to remember; I often find myself working hard to keep a friendship alive when in the end my time could be better spent. My friendships made here, everyone that walked in and out of my life, either made my time here more enjoyable or taught me a lesson. I guess it’s time I leave I it up to faith to decide who sticks around in my life and who was only temporary.

While I’ve just posted about meaningless thoughts, I think its time I cracked a beer open and went to work on packing my things. I’ll end this with some pictures as some of you have requested I post pictures more often! ;) Also, i get i am going to school for photography...don't mind the complete %#^$ quality of the following photographs, they were all taken with my ipod touch! Haha!

 Happy thoughts

Day of setting up gallery; notice the tea in hand. Tired Narcoleptic!

Images up on the wall, all printed at 20" x 30"

Opening Night of the Gallery, Happy Narcoleptic!

Abstract Painting I had to make for class

Self Portrait Painting I had to make

Painting I made for a good friends birthday (his favourite cartoon!)

Drawing before painting it, from the movie UP! by Pixar

Final Painting, Up! by Pixar

Lady & The Tramp, Just a painting I did for fun